i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.