On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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