Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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