I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
