WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Randomize
