That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
