first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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