It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
