I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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