Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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