i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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