oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
