Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
