Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
