you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
