Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
