i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
