he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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