Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I'm gonna have a badass scar
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
