God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
