omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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