i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
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