So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
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the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
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I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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