I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
