Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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