just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
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