I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
