just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
