3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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