I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
