Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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