Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I feel like abortions should bother me more
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Houston, we have a blender
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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