Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
