I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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