My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
