Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
