you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
