why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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