I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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