I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Randomize
