o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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