Have you finally orgasmed yet?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
