why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
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She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
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NoShamevember. You game?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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