fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
