Who wears a wallet chain?!
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Randomize
