that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
