yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
