if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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