Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
