I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
