i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
