Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
