I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
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She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
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the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize