sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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