I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
