One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
