I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
