What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
