You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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