Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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