fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
