You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
